“Handsome is as handsome does”~ my father (in reference to my ex-husband)

          It’s important for me that I include the fact that men or women can be abusive and both can be victims,  although the vast majority of victims are women. Abuse and violence happen in all types of relationships, whether it is a traditional heterosexual relationship or a same sex or other type.  “Abusers” have some behaviors in common that can be seen as “red flags.” This was taken directly from the www.ilrctbay.com website; (no known author)

Characteristics of Abusers

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful. (This could be him ‘projecting” his cheating on you-he’s really the one cheating but accuses you of it instead)
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others. (likes to use you as the butt of his jokes in public)
• Destroys your property or things that you care about. (may abuse your pets or lets them out free on “accident”)
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will. (or what’s known as “sex on demand’)
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers…Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

          Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual. If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social support, accusing the people who act as your support network of “causing trouble.”
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say “you make me mad”, “you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask”, or “I can’t help being angry”.
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, or “I’ll break your neck”. Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, “everybody talks like that”. 
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need”. 
• May use “playful” force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

          Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. “Ownership” of the victim: The abuser says things like “If I can’t have you no one can” or “I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me”. The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

🎈Please take a look at the article on “men as victims of abuse.🎈