“Simmahhh downnn nowww!”
“It is the punishment we give ourselves, for somebody else’s mistake”… I’m not exactly sure who created that quote but it sure makes sense when you think about it! I wanted to make sure I covered the emotion of “anger”, as it is a huge player in domestic/child abuse and abusers usually have a big problem with “it”. I think the first thing I’d like to mention about anger is that it is actually a “secondary” emotion, which means that a primary emotion almost always precedes it (comes first), in order for anger to even emerge. We don’t usually just go right to anger. Think about it… when you get hurt or feel pain, like when you stub your toe on a door frame or piece of furniture, (an almost daily experience for my longish toes) you get mad right? The first thing you felt is “pain” and that pain is what makes you angry. When “this little piggy” goes all, tonynail first into a door frame, he gets pissed and so do you! When someone startles you, you get mad, because you got “scared” first and that fear is what made you angry. Grrrrr!!!😡🤬😡
Anger is usually a pretty “visible” emotion, but is often times just the “tip of the iceberg”, so to speak. There are many other primary emotions that are hidden beneath the surface that are causing the anger. Some of these emotions are;
shame, jealousy, fear, contempt, guilt, stress, feeling threatened, insecurity, grief, embarrassment, frustration, sadness, loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, disappointment, and feeling tired.
Anger can be fueled by different emotions at different times and in different situations. There can also be a combination of emotions that are setting off the anger and sometimes we do just go straight to anger. This emotion can be triggered by many things such as a certain places, people or situations. Triggers can be everywhere for an “angry” person. It is these triggers, however, that can provide answers as to “why they are so angry!”
Anger can also be seen as more acceptable in some families and cultures than other “softer” emotions. Because of this, a person may express anger to cover up other emotions they are feeling, such as, emotional pain, shame or vulnerability. It can also be a result of believing we have been slighted, disrespected or treated unfairly. When a person becomes angry, their fight/flight or freeze response is set off, which sends a surge of adrenaline through our system, nerves and muscles to prepare us to fight or flee. It prepares us for “action”. This is why anger is considered to be an especially energizing and activating emotion. It can be very motivating and compel us to act, sometimes too aggressively.
This emotion can be a very normal and healthy response but too many times it is a “troublemaker.” It can profoundly affect our thoughts, behaviors and what we say to others, can’t it? Sometimes we don’t even realize we are angry, we may have become “desensitized” to the feeling somewhere along the way and it can become our “default setting”, without us even realizing it. One of the first things a person can do to manage their anger is to identify the warning signs.
Anger warning signs;
- The feeling of heat rising from inside your body and your face feels hot, from “fight or flight” being set off, your skin may feel tingly or warm
- Start sweating and breathing fast or heavy
- Sudden neck tension/headache
- Face gets red
- Heartbeat increases
- Mind goes blank (the rational brain has gone off-line)
- Scream, yell or raise voice
- Nausea
- Become aggressive
- Crying
- Ruminate about the problem or person making you angry
- Become argumentative
- Insult the other person
- Pacing around the room
- Teeth clenching, tightness in jaw
- General overall tension
Figuring out the underlying cause of the primary emotions you are experiencing, which are leading to your anger, goes a long way in healing and dissipating this volatile emotion. Anger must be dealt with because left untreated, it can fester and easily turn into rage. This is very scary territory because rage equals violence. Please check out my other article on “Anger Management Skills”
✨✨✨KNOWLEDGE IS POWER-ARM YOURSELF✨