“Disturbia in Suburbia~ You can love them and hate them all at the same time…so is the conundrum and paradox of the abusive relationship”.
The terms DOMESTIC ABUSE/VIOLENCE and INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE makes us cringe, don’t they? 
And rightly so. It’s effects can be disastrous, far reaching, life-threatening and the cycle can last for generations. DOMESTIC ABUSE/VIOLENCE, also known as “Intimate Partner Violence” or IPV, as defined by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is: “The willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault and or other abusive behavior (emotional, verbal, psychological, financial, religious, racial, gender, reproductive, oppression, neglect and rejection), as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. The one constant component of domestic abuse/violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain POWER and CONTROL over the other.” According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) website, it is also considered a Human Rights Violation and a public health issue across the world.
Men, women and children can all be victims although the vast majority of victims are women. Why is this??? Well, there are many reasons; From a historical and cultural perspective, it can be argued that men have traditionally been indoctrinated both religiously and secularly for centuries into the belief system that they need to be “The man of the house”, the strongest, most capable, productive, powerful and dominant, otherwise there is a sense of threat to their masculinity and for some, their very existence and sense of purpose. Most religions specifically encourage and cultivate the males’ domination over females and also promote and facilitate inequality. It is because of this, physical and emotional abuse are predominantly a man’s domain.
If you mix this mindset with someone who has a personality disorder such as narcissism, sociopathy or psychopathy (Antisocial personality disorder), the damage can be profound, even deadly. People with these “Cluster B” personality disorders tend to be big abusers and also make up the biggest ‘sub-set” of abusers. It is their empty or almost empty emotional gas tanks , inability to form strong attachments with people (which leads to apathy) and their own inadequacies and hyper-fragile self-esteem that prime them to be abusers. Simply put- they tear us down to build themselves up to feed their hyper-fragile egos. Abusers aren’t all abusive right out of the gate though. If they were, most women would run for the hills because they haven’t’ established deep enough feelings yet, (or any) that would keep them with their abuser. They start off slow and stealth, a snide comment or a nudge here, a rude joke and a shove there (all little tests, by the way), and before you know it BAM
……you are waist deep in it!!! Abuse almost always occurs in relationships that have a power imbalance. This kind of abuse can happen everyday, where as physical abuse tends to be cyclical, with periods of relative calm and “great times” in between, (another reason victims don’t leave.) Most of the time, the abuser is “projecting’ his problems or bad behavior on to his victim. (example from my own private collection- he accuses you of cheating and stealing money from a joint account when he’s really the one doing that)
ABUSE CAN AND DOES MAKE THEIR VICTIMS PHYSICALLY ILL with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, auto-immune diseases, (Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, Rheumatoid arthritis) PTSD, Hashimot’s, Scleroderma, Crohn’s disease, gut problems and even cancer! Physical abuse is obviously traumatic to the victim but bones and skin eventually heal. It is the long lasting personal and intimate negative effects of chronic verbal, emotional and psychological abuse that really do the immediate and long term damage to a person. This is because it targets thoughts, feelings and perception of the victim and their reality. This is incredibly destabilizing to the victim. Science has shown us how a victim’s body becomes ill from all the toxic stress and trauma caused by abuse. Other issues such as drug or alcohol abuse and anger problems can also lead to domestic abuse as well, but I’m focusing on personality disorders for now. These people can be very selfish, narcissistic, manipulative and exploitative. They have the capability to “murder” a person’s soul and spirit. It’s all about them and their deviant ways so they make sure it stays that way by using certain strategies (aside from physical violence) to CONTROL not only their victim, those around them and certain situations but also your perception of reality. Notice I said “perception” of reality…that’s because what they attempt to do is distract you from the REAL reality, which is them sneaking around behind your back , cheating, abusing finances, using and manipulating people, making passes at your friends, even family members for personal and financial gain, and worse. Generally just “running amok without dignity” is what I call it. Now, in order to maintain and CONTROL all the chaos they’re creating behind the scenes, they need to have a certain level of POWER and they do this by employing the systematic pattern of verbal, emotional and psychological ploys and strategies that play with our minds, keep us off balance, unsure, in a state of stress, anxiety and confusion and dependant upon them for truthful information and support. I remember feeling like, “something was going on, or something wasn’t quite right but I couldn’t put my finger on it”, so many times in my marriage and only if I would have listened to my gut because after our divorce, more information came to the surface and I have found out that those times when I felt like something wasn’t quite right, were indeed the times when he was cheating on me. It started when I was pregnant with my first child and shortly thereafter. Big lesson learned here-WE MUST LEARN TO LISTEN TO AND TRUST OUR GUT FEELINGS about people and situations!
If anything here looks familiar or strikes a nerve with you, you need to pay attention! If you’re not quite sure what you are enduring qualifies as abuse, listen to your body and mind, they”ll tell you, for you! If you truly are in an abusive relationship, your mind will be filled with confusion, frustration and maybe a feeling that you are going crazy. You may even feel like a mere shell of your former self. It may be difficult to even recognize yourself when looking at your reflection, you kind of recognize the person looking back at you but she’s changed… Physically, you may find yourself with stomach or digestive problems, headaches, anxiety, depression, mood swings, or periods of confusion because your reality might not make sense to you because the abusers words and behaviors contradict each other. If any of this resonates with you, I urge you to please reconsider that relationship because I can tell you from personal experience that it will be costly, very costly. It can cost you your self-esteem, sanity, career, mental and physical health and there will surely be chaotic and painful times ahead. Please arm yourself with this knowledge and be proactive! There are many resources out there that can help.
***WE DID NOT AND WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT, AND WE ARE FOREVER, STRONGER AND WISER FOR IT, OUR SCARS TELL US SO***