“WE ARE WHAT WE THINK”
Our thoughts and belief systems are what mainly drives our emotional responses to circumstances we are faced with on a day to day basis. We develop these emotions, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors as a result of multiple experiences, influences and some genetic predispositions. We often develop mal-adaptive habits and coping mechanisms along the way or when faced with chronic adversity, trauma or abuse (which includes, abandonment, rejection, yelling and emotional). Our brains will adapt to our environment through a process known as neuroplasticity. The good news is (yes-there is good news!), those self-defeating and mal-adaptive thought distortions and behavioral patterns that are so counterproductive, are “learned” behavior. This means they can be “unlearned.” With some patience, consistency and commitment, you can be on your way to developing healthier thought and behavioral patterns that will propel you forward in your life, instead of holding you back! IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN!!!
There are usually 2 ways people make mistakes in their thinking, which tends to facilitate and feed these mal-adaptive thoughts and behaviors even more. These areas are “content” of our beliefs, attitudes and self talk, and “thought distortions”, which lead us to wrong assumptions and conclusions concerning our circumstances, relationships and behaviors. Content has to do with “absolutistic thinking”-we should, we must , we need to, they should, they need to. “Absolutes”, for the most part, belong to the “sciences.” For example, based on Sir Isaac Newton’s laws of physics, the apple WILL fall from the tree because of gravity and for every action, there must be an equal or opposite reaction. Those things will absolutely happen, regardless of anyone’s opinion, or preferences right?
Now the problem happens when we start substituting “absolutes” for moralistic “opinions” and “preferences.” Distorted thoughts such as, “I can’t live without him/her” or “I’ll never be happy again’” are perfect examples of how we’ve fooled ourselves into thinking there is just no way we will ever go on, like it is an absolute certainty and nothing can change it when the truth is that not only are they not your destiny but you will go on to flourish and prosper and live a fulfilling life! Not only will you be able to “go on” with your life but you will thrive in a new relationship! It happens everyday! It is not a scientific need to have someone love us, but it is a preference!
Once we’ve settled into this problematic mental construct of having convinced ourselves that people, relationships and circumstances need, should or must be a certain way, we are really setting ourselves up for some emotional dysregulation and their consequences. This mindset primes us for more negative and catastrophic thinking, where we “hate”, “can’t stand” and think everything bad is at a “catastrophic level.”
Here are some examples of absolutistic thinking, where moralistic “preferences” and “opinions” have been wrongly substituted for absolute, “need to’s” and “should be’s”, and ways to re-frame your thoughts, which will help you develop more positive and effective thinking strategies.
- “ I will just die if I don’t get that job.”
A better way to frame this thought would be something to the effect of- “ It would be great if I got that job but if I don’t, I will be ok because life goes on and something else will come up, it always does.” This is much more realistic, accurate, positive and will keep you from “spazzing out” unnecessarily and annoying the people around you! And you can bet, they will be thankful for that!
- “My life will be ruined if he/she breaks up with me.”
Nope- you’re life’s not going to be forever ruined if he/she leaves you, so stop thinking that! STOPIT!!! To be more realistic and keep yourself from thinking your life is going to suck from here on out, the reality is, you are going to move on (it may be difficult at times), but you will, and you will find someone else and you will grow and thrive in that relationship! A better way to frame this thought would be, “I don’t want him/her to break up with me but if he/she does, I’ll take the lessons I learned from that relationship and apply them to my next one so it will be even better.”
Most often when people’s emotions are getting them into trouble, it is because we have mistakenly replaced absolutes with our preferences, opinions and desires. Although it is completely normal and OK to have desires, opinions and preferences, we need to remember not to turn them into “demands” and “rules” that we place on others and think they should follow. We should not have or think we have, that kind of control over anyone or vice versa!
Please take a look at my other articles on healing from abuse…THANK YOU!