So what makes a relationship abusive, anyway?  Well, according to the “National Coalition Against Domestic Violence” website; “Every relationship differs, but what is most common within all abusive relationships is the varying tactics used by abusers to gain and maintain power and control over the victim.”  If you strip all the murky layers away and peel it down to its most basic component, abusive relationships are driven by insecurities.  Although it may not seem like it because most of them have a tough facade’, most abusers have some big insecurities (some deeply rooted from childhood), and the biggest sub-set of abusers come from the Antisocial Personality Disorder, “social club”…

 After being married to one of this “social club’s” most dedicated and loyal members, for nearly 30 years (not realizing he was a “member” of this club at all, until much later), and much research, I believe there are those that don’t always abuse because of insecurities (fear based behavior to avoid a perceived or real consequence), but abuse to seek and achieve rewards/goals, (goal driven behavior).  In other words, their abusive behavior has less to do with insecurities (which involve actual emotions) and more to do with apathy (lack of emotion , including empathy) and different neural wiring altogether, like producing about 4 times more dopamine when “rewarded”, than the normal person does (and this would be why they are so “goal driven” and tend to hyperfocus on their “reward” they are seeking whether it be money, sex, social status, etc., you know…all the superficial and shallow things in life!)  I also believe there are those that abuse for both reasons.  Abusers, men or women, can be insecure about such things as their worth or place in society, job or family or their value to others and/or to themselves.  For people like this, their entire self worth can be dictated by how their intimate partner views them.  For those with an unstable sense of self worth, this is often the case.  Whatever the case, their victims never deserve the abuse.  

A deeper look into the abuser’s mentality tells us where these insecurities are really coming from...fear.  These fears that drive the insecurities are mainly grounded in “fear of being seen as weak” and/or “fear of not being good enough or loveable enough in some way.”  The abuser is weak or deficient in some way and they know it, so they resort to abuse to make up and maintain authority, power and control.  This gnarly little issue with the abusers personality, creates a pathological need for control and power, which compels the abuser to continue with abusive patterns of behavior.  This creates a relationship of emotional extremes- loving/hating, withholding/giving, very high “highs” and very low “lows” , and drama, lots of drama.  These extremes give its victims psychological whiplash and they start questioning their own reality and sanity.  I’m all for compromise and working towards shared goals in the relationship, where you feel you are a co-pilot, but when one is trying to steer, control and read the map, and make all the decisions, all by themselves and bully you into submitting to their choices, something is very wrong!  Victims start feeling like they are losing control of their own life and what’s going on around them. You feel like your world is closing in on you and you are powerless to stop it.  It feels overwhelming which further leads to a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness.  And so the downward spiral begins…

Abusers also like to “supplement” their big power plays against you with smaller, more stabby type mind*uck tactics, like making unprovoked snide comments about what you wear, eat, watch on tv, your hobbies, your hair, make-up, child rearing, cooking, etc. This is done so you start questioning and second guessing your own choices, decisions, plans and eventually, sense of self. This results in lower self confidence in your decision making skills and processes, so you start going to your abuser for the “OK” on things before you act.  This puts the control back in the hands when you feel the need to “run everything by them” to double check your decisions on matters big and small.  Now this can be very tricky if your abuser is intelligent in some ways, like mine was, because you come to learn and respect their opinions and above average intelligence on other fronts early on. They’re just using that intelligence to mess with your head!

It’s often very difficult for the victim to detect any of these more subtle tactics or identify the abuse at all, as they are going through it.  Oftentimes, it takes loved ones, friends, or a counselor/therapist, to point out the abuse when it is not purely physical in nature.  Most of the time though the victim never talks about it or allows others to even know anything is amiss at all.  For others, it takes time away to get a good  perspective,  and the ability to put their partner’s behavior into the right context, before they make the realization that abuse has occurred.  For example, instead of putting my ex-husband’s bad behavior into the “Daaaang, I guess he’s just a really mean a**hole” framework, I should have been framing his behavior in the context of “the law” and “civil rights.”  If I had done this, I believe I would have been able to at least identify many of his tactics, but his others took much longer to reveal themselves.  In severe cases, the victim even has to confront the fact that their health has suffered as a result of that abuse.  I developed Fibromyalgia, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus and eventually PTSD, as a result of the mostly NON-PHYSICAL abuse I endured and no, I did not realize that I was facing some pretty severe and serious abuse, as it is pretty easy to get “desensitized” or “conditioned” into to “receiving” it.  Especially when they are mixed with good and positive times (which distract and help the victim “get over” or “over look” the abusive behavior), as abusive relationships always are.  The “good times” are  a crucial aspect of the actual abuse dynamic.  I feel this is particularly true when there is not a lot of physical abuse involved because noone is seeing the physical marks or bruises, so no one knows to ask if they are ok.

Let’s also not forget that some people don’t even realize they’re exhibiting behavior that is considered abuse, and would prefer to change their bad behavior if they could.  Well………. this article isn’t about them!  If any of the above descriptions made your “Spidey Senses” tingle, please…look into the matter (or person), because it seriously could mean the difference between a happy healthy relationship or one where there’s always a dark cloud over your head, where a toxic storm brews…