“I want an Oompa Loompa now, daddy!”-the spoiled Veruca Salt, from ‘Willy Wonka” who, if survived, would have undoubtedly grown into a future narcissist”
This is one of those names people like to call each other when they really want to hurl the insults, yet few people know what it really means, or how one actually becomes a narcissist. First off, narcissism and ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD), are NOT the same thing as the occasional vanity, self-love or selfishness “wild hairs” we all get from time to time. Narcissism involves a much more prevalent and insidious pattern of behaviors that can range anywhere from annoying and problematic to the manipulation of others that are abusive and outright dangerous.-all for self serving reasons, of course! According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), NPD is clinically defined as a “Cluster B” personality disorder, comprising “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration and lack of empathy.” (the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes”, understand and have compassion for or share their feelings). Narcissism exists on a spectrum that everyone is on and we have all exhibited narcissistic behaviors from time to time and slide back and forth to varying degrees on this spectrum but it is those folks that like to “camp out and hunker down” at the far end of the “self-focused” side that are pathological and dangerous. The opposite end of this spectrum would be “other-focused”, which is at the “empathy” end of the spectrum.
The Narcissistic Spectrum
(Empathy) * ——-((—————————————————-))————-* (Apathy)
((most people have the ability to slide back and forth within this range, depending on the situation))
NOTE; the above scale is not a formal scientific scale-it is a just a visual aid to help readers understand the concept.
The farther someone is toward the Narcissistic end of the spectrum, the more they are plagued by narrow-minded, mal-adaptive and immature coping skills that hyper focus on their “self” and their needs regardless of who they have to hurt, abuse or manipulate to achieve it. When they lash out, it is literally the equivalent of an “adult temper tantrum”, which is the result of their stunted emotional maturity, as a result of, usually some form of abuse, maltreatment or neglect in their own early childhood, whether it was intentional or unintentional. Narcissism is likely a result of not being loved enough, wanted enough, being payed attention to enough, a mis-attunement between caregiver and the child early on, genetic factors or some neurobiological factors (the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking), according to the Mayo Clinic Website. They can also be created by loving a child too much, telling them and making them believe they are better than or more special compared to others and should receive special treatment and much adoration and attention. So basically, a Narcissist can be created by either too much or not enough love and attention or early childhood attachment issues.
On the exterior, the Narcissist is arrogant, has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, monopolize conversations (for control, attention and adoration), are rigid, controlling and are belittling of others. They expect special favors and think they deserve the best of everything even though many have never had any kind of real achievements or displayed the capabilities or talents to justify any of it, and as a result, will often manufacture or exaggerate achievements and accomplishments. They have an all around unwillingness to acknowledge, be concerned with, or feel compassion for others and their needs, unless there is something it it for them. All these traits make them great bullies and very abusive! They have a “high conflict personality”, which means they don’t play well with others… unless of course, they’re wearing their “Mask of Sanity”!
The sad thing about Narcs is that although they have a tough and obnoxious exterior, they are plagued by feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem and shame. Their tough exterior is just a well designed “suit of armor” they use to protect their fragile inner selves from that “savage and painful” outside world that was not nice to many of them early on in their lives. They act as if they have a “chip on their shoulder,” or as if they’ve been slighted by others. The sad truth is that most were more than likely victims of some degree of abuse as a very young child , which included, shaming and humiliating the child, or neglecting their needs in some way, resulting in feelings of inferiority, possible abandonment, low self-esteem and deep vulnerability. These are all things that destroy a child’s spirit and soul, not to mention their sense of self worth. This also most likely happened or started prior to or during their emotional development stage, which leaves them emotionally dysregulated (unable to control their emotions and therefore behavior, so they “act out”), with shallow emotions or with no emotions at all because the neurons and neural pathways in and between those parts of the brain never fully developed due to the lack of stimulation in those areas. They shut their painful emotions down during childhood maltreatment, shaming, neglect, etc. as a coping mechanism and therefore the proper range, depth and control of their emotions never properly developed so they perpetually operate in “survival mode”-the short-term (that becomes chronic) fear- based mode someone goes into, when faced with danger, an attack or severe stress and the like. Normally, we should be in the relaxed state of “homeostasis”, which is the calm, emotionally regulated physical and psychological balance maintained within a person. Narcissism can be seen as a “safe” way for these people to live because it keeps them from having to feel the unbearable pain they had to feel when they were that vulnerable, shamed, “not good enough”, child.
In the case of the overly loved and doted on child who grows up to be a Narc, their parents instilled into them that they are perfection (or should be), very special, better than anyone and so any time the child makes a mistake or falls short of their parent’s high standards of expectation of them, they are filled with unbearable feelings of shame, embarrassment, inferiority and feeling they have let the idealizing parent down. This leads to strong gut-wrenching emotions that the child learns to “wall off” or numb out in order to avoid them at all costs. In any case, they learn to project their vulnerabilities, short-comings and problems onto other people, which ironically, usually results in the very thing they are trying to avoid the most- namely rejection and abandonment..
There is some hope for people who suffer from this high conflict personality disorder. It’s not curable but it can be treatable. The problem here is that most Narcs don’t believe they have a problem or are the one with the problem. Oh, the irony!
According to Craig Malkin Ph.D., in his article, “Can Narcissists Change’, on www.psychologytoday.com, “as a therapist, I’ve seen first hand that when we change relational patterns, it often transforms even the most inflexible “trait” into something softer, gentler-not a fixed feature, but a protection that eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one would hope. Narcissism is a way of relating. Not everyone can shift into a more flexible form of intimacy, but some can.” I also feel like the way society is today, with everything we want or need at our finger tips and at lightning fast speed, more and more of these self-entitled, greedy and apathetic creatures are being created everyday.
I hope this sheds some light on not just what a narcissist really is but also on their inner workings and why they are the way they are. Best wishes and thank you for reading!!!