THE “90% RULE” AND “WEB METHOD” ~How to use these rules to identify and deal with, Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopath (Antisocial Personality Disorder) and people with “high conflict personalities.”

          People with  “high conflict personalities” such as those in the “Cluster B” group of personality disorders,  which includes Sociopaths, Narcissists (Narcs), Psychopaths and Antisocial Personality Disorders, belong to.  These people are considered to have a pathological pattern of narrow behavior which repeats itself over time.  This makes it helpful in identifying them but that can also take some time.  I feel like it makes good sense not to rush into any new relationship and form a commitment too soon-there are some things you just won’t know about a person unless you’ve spent some extensive time with them in all facets of their life or even live with them for a period of time.  Even then, there is no guarantee that you will notice or learn important aspects of their personality , or patterns of antisocial behavior.  Remember…they are “hiding” them from you and it is the most dangerous part of their personality.  It took me years to catch on to and realize some of my ex-husband’s deviant behavior and ploys. There are signs though..

 The  “90% Rule” is one way of determining if someone’s behavior is problematic and could lead to abuse or damage.  This is how it works- According to author Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. in his book, “5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life”, these people will do things and say things that 90% of the population would not do.  If someone is displaying very negative behavior, ask yourself, “would 90% of the population do or say that?”  If your answer is anywhere from “probably not” to “hell no-he’s crazy!”, then you are most likely dealing with one of these people.  These people do not play well with others. They pretend to though, on the surface, but rest assured they are scheming ways to manipulate, use, and deceive you.  These people will demand that you feel the same way they do about things and when you don’t, they can get nasty. They may try to guilt trip you or even bully you into aligning with their beliefs and opinions.  Don’t let them use excuses like being tired, hungry, (hangry) or overstressed for behaving badly. When applying this rule, remove such excuses when trying to determine if a person’s behavior is problematic.   

Author and licenced clinical social worker Bill Eddy has another system for identifying these dangerous types of personalities in people, which he calls, “The WEB Method’.   This is done by ‘observing the person’s words, your own emotions about them, and the person’s behavior. Words (W) plus emotions (E) plus behavior (B) =’s WEB.” states the author.  He continues describing it as;

1.  WORDS;  Do the person’s words fit the high conflict pattern of behavior?
   1. Are they preoccupied with blaming others?
   2. Do they often use all-or-nothing thinking? For example, “My way or the highway!”  Or, “I hate everyone in that group. Don’t you?” (with a full-on expectation that you will agree with them).
   3. Do they have a hard time communicating or controlling their emotions?  (For example, and from my own personal vault- Something terrible has happened to a close family member, you look to your partner for support but they are apathetic and  unsupportive, or, they send you angry texts filled with F-bombs and threats because of some minor transgression or offense they ‘perceived” you to have committed.) 
   4. Do they often make strong threats?  

2.  EMOTIONS-  What do you feel around this person?  When you’re around them, or think about being around them, do you:
   1. Feel afraid or anxious?
   2. Feel inadequate or humiliated?
   3. Feel helpless or hopeless?
   4. Feel alone, isolated or ashamed?
   5. Blame yourself a lot for their behavior or statements?
   6. Try to talk yourself out of it or reduce how you feel?
   7. Feeling incredibly positive-like the person is too good to be true?
   8. Feel swept off your feet-too much?
   9. Feel like the absolute center of this person’s life-like an obsession?
   10. Feel incredibly sorry for them-a helpless victim their entire life?

(This one is HUGE…Tune into your “gut feeling” more-it will tell you….)

3.  BEHAVIOR-  Has the person behaved in an extreme way?
   1. Would 90% of people do what the person did?
   2. Does this person treat you in an extremely negative way?
   3. Have you observed them treating others in an extremely negative way?

(A good example here would be if, let’s say,  your “new boo” treats you very nice so far but you notice he is unnecessarily rude, mean or disrespectful to the waitress serving you at a restaurant or his mother.  If he is being rude to these people you can count on the fact that you are next.)